A Whole Lot Like Work

"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work." - Thomas Alva Edison


That's always been one of my favorite quotes about work.  But, what if we applied it to marriage?  I think it might read more like this:

"Marriage fails for most people because it's dressed in an old t-shirt, puts on weight, may or may not clean up after itself, has a mind of its own, and requires work."

(Please don't quote me on that!)

My wife and I have been together for 22 years as of just a few days ago.  We've been married for just over 14 of those.  We went on our first date on February 10, 1990.  I can't begin to explain how long ago that seems.  At the same time, it feels like yesterday. 

Until about 5 years ago, I wouldn't have been able to tell you honestly how to make a marriage work.  I probably still can't.  I've never been much on giving relationship advice, mostly because I can't stand receiving it.  What works for me might not work for you.  I can tell you this:  Your relationship is doomed if you can't, won't, or don't work on communicating.  Period.  Again, I'm no authority, but I've been down that road.  Tammy and I have had our share of tough times, mostly due to communication...or absence of communication.  She has written about it in her very inspirational blog.  She really is quite amazing (is that too much ass-kissing?).

I love working on things, building, making things that were broken work again. Tammy can tell you that I will not undertake any project or attempt any repairs without the instruction manual or, at the very least, a blueprint or plans.  Guess what?  There's no freakin' instruction manual for marriage!  You're on your own, man.  It's up to you and your spouse to figure it out.  That can be a little frightening, and a recipe for disaster if you are not willing to work at it. 

We (mostly me) forgot what was really important at some point.  While I was busy worrying about why I wasn't happy with my life and my job and my health and everything else, I was not communicating with my wife.  I held it all in and made it even worse.  I worked long hours even though I hated my job at the time.  The work around the house that should have been shared; the dishes, laundry, pretty much got done by her.  I was not interested.  I didn't tell her what was bothering me, and I wasn't listening to what she was telling me.  I didn't hear that she missed date nights, and that she really wished we could spend time together.  I didn't hear that she wanted to know what was going in in my life, with my job, and why I was so tired all the time.  All I cared about was ME.  Something I should have figured out a long time ago is simply that marriage is not about ME...it's about US. 

In the last several years our relationship has grown.  It's been work and it has been challenging at times, but it has been worth it.  What a huge difference it's made that we make time for each other, make time for family, and we communicate.  We really communicate particularly well.  Yes, we have our rough moments, but we talk and (*gulp*) share our feelings. (I'm still a guy; "feelings" give me pause sometimes.)  What's astonishing to me is that I'm much happier with everything else in my life, and I truly believe it has a lot to do with being happier in my (OUR) marriage.

Twenty-two years ago, neither Tammy nor I had any idea that we would be together this long.  We certainly had no clue that the love we'd find in one another could continue to grow as it has.  Today, I can't imagine my life without her in it, and that's work I'll gladly pursue for as long as she'll allow me.